Let's talk break-ups

Break-ups are not easy, let’s start with that.

Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it feels right to breakup, but this specific newsletter is not about those. This letter is about those which are heart-wrenching, those which hurt, those you did not expect, or those you know that you should do but still think it's hard.

I have been through many break-ups personally. I have also been through two divorces, which at my age may surprise you—I am in my late twenties, after all.

Some of those divorces/break-ups were the right thing to do, and I felt minimal pain. Some were actually not that hard, but some others hurt me so much it felt like I had nothing else to live for.

Nobody prepares you for the loss of a person who became the person you talked to every day, and I think, personally, that is what hurts more.

In a relationship, you build this other person to be everything you want. You talk to them about everything, you create routines, you make them your advisor, your gossip partner, your cooking assistant, your sleeping pillow, and more. When you break up, the sudden loss of that person that you used to share everything with is what hurts the most.

You now have to live life without that second person in your life. As you go through your daily routine, you will notice the absence—you will feel the void.

Yes, the kisses were lovely, maybe the sex was great, the cuddles, the love, the hand-holding, the compliments… but at the end of the day, you could get that from anyone—but you don’t, because you chose that person to be the person for all of that physical touch but, more importantly, to be your other person, your other half to tackle life.

Okay, we have discussed what hurts. Let’s talk about why.

There are a few things which, in my personal experience, make the break-ups hurt.

#1. The love.

The most common reason for pain. You loved this person so much that you decided they would be the one for the rest of your life. You picked them daily—or tried to—even when things got rough. You always wanted to be close to them. That is what love is, after all: it is wanting to be close to someone. There are various degrees of that desire—the higher the desire, the higher the loss when you let go.

#2. The effort put into the relationship

You probably worked very hard at making a relationship work. There is effort from both sides. There is work that was put in. Whether it’s moving in together, holding a long-distance relationship and keeping the love high regardless of it, choosing each other every day, finances, picking activities that work for both of you, fixing things when you fight—putting in that effort and work and then having it be for nothing feels rough.

#3. The daily routine now empty

You grew a routine with your person, whether it was “We eat dinner at 6,” or “Every weekend we go to the bakery and try new pastries together,” or even, for a long-distance relationship, “We keep the call on while we sleep so we hear each other sleep and do not feel alone.” Now, you have to go through your day without that person being there for the routines. This can make you feel alone and make you miss them even more.

A break-up can be for multiple reasons. Let’s go over a few of them.

It could be because you realized they weren’t right for you and you were brave enough to end it. This one hurts, especially if you love them, because you are not making the decision out of a lack of love for them but because you love yourself more and respect yourself. Please recognize it as the show of strength it is. You are very brave, and you made the right choice no matter how much it hurts.

It could be because the other person was unfaithful! In this case… do I even have to say it? You made the right choice, darling. They do not respect you—find someone better.

It could be because you had a long distance, and it was very hard to keep the relationship alive. In these cases, it’s rough. I have been there, and it is not easy. All couples out there making it go right with distance have my respect, but let me tell you—in order to make one of those succeed, communication between both sides needs to be perfect. If it is not working, the communication is not perfect or there are secrets.

It could be because you have different goals! This happens a lot. Perhaps one of you wants to travel all the time and the other prefers not to. Perhaps one of you wants kids and the other does not. In this case, even though it hurts, please think to yourself—would you be okay with the other person forcing you against your goals? Are you okay being with this person if it means fighting all the time about your goals? Respect your goals, my dear. You deserve to reach them and to have a partner who will help you reach them and they deserve that too.

There are many, many more reasons for break-ups, but let’s stop talking about that… Now, let’s discuss how to feel better, shall we?

The pain will pass, eventually, but until then… what can you do?

First of all, cry.

Yes, you heard me right. Cry as much as you need to. Crying releases the pent-up emotions, which are key to feeling better. Listen to sad music if you need to in order to make yourself cry. I have done that—I feel horrible during it—but once all the misemotion is out, I feel so much better.

Do not isolate yourself.

After a break-up, some of us choose to isolate ourselves—to not go out, ignore friends, stay at home. Maybe at the beginning, that is okay, for you to cry—allow yourself some days to recover—but do not stay locked up. Going out helps, trust me, I know… At times, I had to force myself to go take a walk, and it helped. I had to force myself to talk to friends again, and it helped. Rely on others, get space, go for a run, go sit at the beach and look at the sunset, get some air.

Eat, girl!

Do not starve yourself. Some of us have an increase in appetite for ice cream, cakes, brownies, sugar, carbs, etc. Some of us will have a total loss of appetite, which will make you want to not eat. No matter which side you are on, do not deny yourself the pleasure. Eat! Eat what you want, pamper yourself, love yourself, and do not go on a guilt trip about “I am eating too much,” or “I do not want to eat.” Make sure you nourish yourself and pamper yourself, especially during this difficult time. Do not deny yourself the pleasure.

Go no contact.

Trust me… as hard as it is, go no contact with them. To remain in contact is to re-open the loss every single time. I know it seems hard, but trust me—go no contact. You have to rebuild your life and your routine without them. Take them out.

Romanticize the little things.

Remember when you were little? I personally had a fascination for fairies, so I would drink tea out of a flower-shaped cup, I would put glitter on my hair, I would dress up in pretty dresses and play around. Now, I am not telling you to go ahead and pretend you are a fairy—unless you want to! What I am telling you is to make your life more fun with some of your personal magic. Take yourself out for a fancy dinner date—just you. Buy that skincare you have always wanted. Go on a little weekend getaway. Dye your hair! Get the haircut you always wanted! Treat yourself!

Give it time.

Yeah, this is the hardest part, but trust me—time does heal. It really does. I tell you from experience. Be patient with yourself. Recovery is not linear. You will feel better, then bad, then good, then worse… until you reach a point where you realize you suddenly feel healed. Give yourself time.

Break-ups are not easy. It’s normal to feel like your world is crashing and you will never feel the same love for anyone again.

I hate to be cliché, but in this case, I have to say it: Love yourself more than you love anyone, and never let the love you feel for other things, people, and yourself be dependent upon the love you receive from someone else.

You are a source of magic, of love, and of perfection. You will get better than now—and better than ever.